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Can’t compete against the bottle…

May 16, 2009

I was going through an old notebook of mine a few nights ago and discovered a poem I had written a few months before I left Rick.

It was written on the night I made the decision to finally leave him and disappear. I remember that night well.  I had endured another day of drunken verbal abuse, he had passed out on the bed and I was sitting up next to him reading and quieting myself.  I looked over at him– snoring, drool running down his cheeks–as though he was something I’d just thrown up.

I couldn’t concentrate on my reading. I kept fantasizing about plotting his death–at my hands. I knew then that it was time to get out in order to save my sanity.

Since I couldn’t read I started to write out my thoughts and thus created this poem. Mind you, I’m not a poet. Actually this sounds more like a country song……..

I love you with all my being
But apparently you ain’t seeing
that through those bleary eyes.
I see you with disgust
I feel only mistrust
You’re a stranger
Filled with anger
at ghosts in your past.
I’ve no part of it
Yet I pay for it
and I’ve reached the end at last.
You’re on your own
I’d rather be alone
No more anxiety
hiding from society.
The bottle lies to you,
deceives you
you imagine things untrue.
Makes you sad
Gets you mad
and leaves me feeling blue.
I wish you were having an affair
Another woman, I can bear
Cause a woman I can throttle
I can’t compete against the bottle.

© BBB 1996


13 Comments leave one →
  1. Susie permalink
    May 16, 2009 1:50 pm

    Barbara! You are an amazing writer. You have touched on all the emotions of living with an alcoholic and or drug user. Continue your writing. It will pay off dividends emotionally,mentally and physically, for you.

  2. May 16, 2009 2:24 pm

    Susie, thank you so much! I’ve always written out my feelings in journals and now have graduated to blogs. It does help one heal!

  3. May 16, 2009 2:32 pm

    I can only underline what Susie has said!
    Another great post!
    Thanks, Jonie

  4. May 16, 2009 4:37 pm

    Thank you Jonie!!!

  5. pioneerjo permalink
    May 16, 2009 9:19 pm

    The feelings are painful in your poem. I like the last two lines. Bitter humor there.

  6. May 17, 2009 8:39 am

    Thanks Jo. It was painful realizing I couldn’t take it anymore–the END!
    Ha, the last 2 lines are what made me say this sounded more like a country song!

  7. Groundy permalink
    May 17, 2009 10:30 am

    *hugsss* Barbara…
    I read this and feel like I am there with you..
    Your feelings and emotions are so raw.
    The battle continues in our minds, even after deaths and leaving.

    Been there done that.. I don’t want the TShirt.

  8. May 17, 2009 11:10 am

    You are right about the battle!
    Thank you, Groundy!

  9. May 19, 2009 11:36 pm

    That’s very touching and extremely powerful, Barbara. ((hugs))

  10. Louna permalink
    May 28, 2009 6:18 pm

    I am just now breathing… Those deep emotions are well described in the poem, as if i could feel your disgust toward him.

    (i’ve been missing you & ATL)

  11. May 28, 2009 8:47 pm

    Louna thank you for the great comment!! I’ve been missing you, too! Hope to hear from you more often!

  12. Louna Cee permalink
    June 5, 2009 9:54 am

    Here is a true recent story about a wife fed up by her husband’s addiction to the Bottle(s)..

    As he was arrested for the 4th or 5th time for DUI, she decided to leave him but not without a vengeance for him ruining their lives (adultery, debts, lies..).

    Before leaving the nest, she decided to trade his 2007 Mercedes Benz (he to put it under her name in case he went away for a long time), for a low value in exchange for a HONDA!! What a slap in his face!!! I think that it is hilarious…

    I will say it again… These men have no idea how hard our ‘skin’ get after years of abuse.

  13. June 5, 2009 1:31 pm

    Yes, Louna, I became very ‘hardcore’ over the years!

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