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June 27, 2009

We’d lived in the woods for a little over a year when, at the age of 40, I began to have terrible painful periods. They were regular but caused really bad cramps and migraine headaches. After a few months of this, Rick said he was taking me to a doctor because he was tired of listening to me complain during those times and just couldn’t take it anymore! He didn’t care how it was hurting me, only that it was bothersome to him.

I had the usual female exam and doc suggested he put me on birth control pills to see if they would help me. I told him I hadn’t been on birth control since I’d been with Rick as he’d had a vasectomy after his 3rd daughter was born during his first marriage. Doc said the pills were probably my best bet so he gave me a sack of samples to try first–a 2 month supply to begin taking when my next period started. On the drive home, Rick asked if the pills were to help with my complaint and I said that I hoped so but I didn’t tell him what kind of pills they were as I was afraid he’d get mad about my taking them.

Sure enough! He started drinking as soon as we got home. He was in a bad mood but I didn’t know why. After a few beers, he started in on me.

“Did you like your doctor visit?”

What do you mean? Yeh, I’m glad I went.
“Did you like having his hands on you? Did you like the pelvic exam? Did it feel good?”
What?! You know, you are sick when you drink! What the hell are you talking about?
“I’m sick? You think I’m sick?”
At this point, he slapped me in the face. I started crying and yelling at him that YES he was sick, when he was drinking, with his disgusting thoughts! Well, that got me another slap in the face and then he pushed me into the refrigerator where I banged my arm against it. Then, he went into the bedroom, got my purse, and pulled the sack of pills out.

He read the box the pills came in then he threw the box at me.
“What the hell do you need these for?”
Those are the pills Doc gave me for my bad periods, they’ll help lessen the cramps and headaches!
“They’re birth control pills! Why do you need them? Are you whoring around on me and making sure you don’t get pregnant? That’s it, isn’t it?”
No! Of course not! I would never cheat on you!
“Bullshit! You’re a woman aren’t you? That’s what women do!”

He picked up the box he’d thrown at me, put it back in the sack, then promptly threw it into the woodstove where it caught fire and burned to nothing! Then he stormed out and drove off. I was so relieved when he did because I knew he’d go out, get drunker and pass out somewhere. I wouldn’t see him until the next day–sober and remorseful.


14 Comments leave one →
  1. Groundy permalink
    June 27, 2009 3:59 pm

    Awww Barbie; I am sorry that you had to endure the physical brutality.
    That just shows how insecure he was about his own personal self.
    Good thing you didn’t let a smart retort comeback to him, it could have been worse.

    But then what’s worse, the allegations of infidelity or the actual abuse?

  2. June 27, 2009 4:55 pm

    The bruises/marks from the abuse healed rather quickly.
    The blow to my self-esteem, and the damaged trust, have lasted to this day in regards to men!

  3. June 28, 2009 6:07 am

    Barbara – such a sad post…

    “The blow to my self-esteem, and the damaged trust, have lasted to this day in regards to men!”

    Yes, same here! I so understand you!!
    Many hugs – you are a wonderful lady!!

  4. Rowena permalink
    June 28, 2009 6:10 am

    thank you for making me feel welcome…this is a bit delayed to say right now…but..better late than never….

    reading your story about the visit to the doctor….it made me think that there’s a pattern with abusers…they hate it when their partner is sick or hurting…instead of comforting words..they hurl insults..which could make you feel more in pain..emotionally that is…

    glad…you got out of that one….

  5. Groundy permalink
    June 28, 2009 8:39 am

    I had doubts of being able to trust again too, but the therapist I started seeing explained something to me that made sense.
    When you are so emmeshed you are co-dependent; it’s like being brainwashed. You need to pull that thought and replace it with another thought from someone YOU trusted.
    So, now when I start to think about things that happened or if he comes to mind I automaticly make myself replace the thought. If something makes me feel bad; I think of something that made me feel GOOD and without him in it. Let go of even the good memories you have.

  6. June 28, 2009 10:13 am

    Jonie–thank you! Hugs back to you!

    Rowena–Welcome!! Thank you for the feedback! I appreciate it a lot!

    Groundy–Great advice, thank you!

  7. June 28, 2009 11:28 am

    Groundy – I too want to say thank you! Great advice!

  8. Groundy permalink
    June 28, 2009 4:25 pm is nothing to share something when it can help someone.
    big hugsssssss to you both.
    remember forgive yourself it’s not your fault.


  9. gardenbear permalink
    June 28, 2009 4:51 pm

    Barbara….I am at a loss for words after reading your post. I am so sorry you had to go through this. Hugs to you!

  10. June 28, 2009 6:54 pm

    Hi gardenbear! Going through all of that made me into the strong woman I am today so, while I regret wasting those years with him, I’m happy about the outcome for myself.

  11. Louna Cee permalink
    June 29, 2009 6:13 am

    OMG!! That was terrifying! Alcohol and crazy do not mix!! That must have one of many scary situation, out there in the woods! But i can understand your feeling and relief when he left…. “Go pass out somewhere else, buddy”!

    Therapy is the best!!!!! A good friend of mine, once said: “We, women, are smart enough to know when we need professional care and we can take ourselves to a therapist in due time.”– Compared to men, who can’t even go to an annual check up or admit they are ‘sick’.

    Ohhh, my ladies… i tell you… Strength is part of our natural beauty!!!!!

  12. Groundy permalink
    June 29, 2009 7:52 am

    “Pairing a person with mental illness with another that suffers from another form of mental illness and alcoholism is just like lighting the alcohol on Banana’s Foster and watching the flambé erupt.”

    That’s what happens when you mix crazy with alcohol.

    Thankfully Barbie does not have the mental issue.

    Though, when I look back at MY OWN reactions to his alcoholic shenanigans I bet there were flambé eruptions of our own too. (Mine was called stress)

    Now, I think to myself “What was I thinking!?!?”
    *removes bad thought, replaces with GOOD thought*

  13. Nancy permalink
    July 3, 2009 9:27 pm

    Wow, I not going to say I can imagine what you went through, because I can’t. How you survived physically and mentally is nothing short of a miracle. Rick’s pattern of abuse and violence was to maintain power and control, I so glad you realized it was not because of anything you said or did.
    Thank you for the courage to tell your story, because it may help others in the same situation.

  14. July 4, 2009 8:57 am

    Thank you, Nancy, for your comment!!

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